Libra

This week will hold new and exciting possibilities for you, if you’re Priyanka Chopra.

Scorpio

You will run into an old friend this week. They’ll not recognise you, mainly because of your wildly unnecessary toupee.

Sagittarius

You’ll finally figure out that an in depth knowledge of the rise and fall of Jugal Hansraj doesn’t hold much value in the real world.

Capricorn

Don’t get frustrated if you don’t immediately click with the person you’ve been stalking. It will happen eventually.

Aquarius

You will realize that too much of a good thing can actually be bad for you, when your experiment with autoerotic asphyxiation goes horribly wrong.

Pisces

Give your inner child a hug this week. Your actual children can fend for themselves.

Aries

Despite the well-intentioned advice of your loved ones, you’ll have to live this week by asking yourself constantly: What would Mithun Chakrobarty do?

Taurus

You’ve finally met a person who is unaware of your whole explosive diarrhoea situation, but an event on Wednesday will change that pretty quickly.

Gemini

Venus is in retrograde, so you can use that as an excuse for your shitty personality.

Cancer

Your lover will surprise you this week by turning out to be a pillow with a picture of Ryan Reynolds on it.

Leo

Yes, everything seems like the worst now and it won’t get any better.

Virgo

You aren’t exactly the life of the party. So don’t feel bad about skipping your mom’s birthday party.