Scorpio

Great! You have another whole week of utter mediocrity on your cards.

Sagittarius

This week you will hit a new low when your own mom unfriends you on Facebook for being too basic.

Capricorn

Despite all your research and studies, you won’t be able to figure out the exact time to disco according to Priety Zinta.

Aquarius

You will face some financial troubles this week when you realize that sliced bread is already a thing.

Pisces

It’s true that God has made everyone equal. But God made you equal to an old sewer rat who just wants to eat garbage in peace.

Aries

You will start looking at the world through new eyes when you realize that you’re in no way responsible for Fardeen Khan’s career choices.

Taurus

This week will bring some respite to you, as far as your ongoing explosive diarrhoea is concerned. But not for long.

Gemini

Your inner voice will be particularly salty this week, but it’s mostly because it’s the twin you ate in the womb.

Cancer

Like most of the other people born under your sign, you have two eyes and one nose. And you also have a demon lady ghost, who is always following you.

Leo

Your dream of failing spectacularly in public is a reflection of how dreams often represent reality, pretty accurately in your case.

Virgo

If a Taurus or Aries person tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth, believe it.

Libra

Scientists will discover the cure for cancer and a species of dinosaur that you can keep as pets before you find love.