Virgo

After the unfortunate events of this week, you’re now your mother’s second favourite child. The worst part about this is that you’re an only child.

Libra

The only good thing that the stars see in your week is that you will NOT get hit by a bus hilariously. You will, however, get injured otherwise, hilariously of course.

Scorpio

You’ll need to make a tough choice this week, between living your life as a nobody and being known worldwide for the idiot who thought it was a good idea to see how many stapler pins he can fit in his mouth ‘for science’.

Sagittarius

Do people ever wonder how you’re still single, when they see you? They don’t.

Capricorn

It will do you good to remain positive this week, especially since this is the week when you finally have the meltdown you’ve been working towards.

Aquarius

Of all the fairy tales your life could have been like, you chose Red Riding Hood?

Pisces

Your horoscope was too traumatising for the stars to read this week. Good luck.

Aries

Feeling emotional? This week will give you a chance to off load some of that stress, but it will also cost you some friends and loved ones.

Taurus

This week will present a solution to your explosive diarrhoea situation, but it will be too late.

Gemini

You want it to be untrue, but your repeated dreams of being eaten by your cat are not entirely baseless.

Cancer

This will be the week that you finally realise that size does matter.

Leo

Nobody is doing the ‘Kiki challenge’ anymore. Stop.