Aries

Certain events of this week will force you to reconsider everything you know about trees and Uday Chopra.

Taurus

The only thing stopping you from achieving everything you want is your inhibitions to go anywhere in public with your chronic explosive diarrhoea situation.

Gemini

The fact that you have the face of a worn-in shoe, and a personality to match, is the proof of the fact that bad things happen to bad people.

Cancer

Rich of you to assume that the stars give a rat’s ass about what your week is going to be like. Go sit in a corner and introspect on your miserable existence.

Leo

Try working on your non-verbal communication skills to help develop a healthy understanding of how ghosts work.

Virgo

Your loved ones will try and reach out to you about the growing distance between you and them. But you’ll be too busy making Tik-Tok videos, about catching your boyfriend cheating on you by freezing time somehow, to notice.

Libra

A new moon in your Pisces-influenced relationship zone wants you to take risks in your love life. So it’s a ‘go-ahead’ from the stars on the whole ‘getting married to that really sexy piece of tree bark you found outside’ front.

Scorpio

You’ve heard of the saying ‘cat got your tongue’ right? This week you’ll understand exactly what it means after a freak incident involving the feral cat you sometimes feed in your neighbourhood and  you trying to take a cool picture for Instagram.

Sagittarius

Attempts at dating will end disappointingly after the fifth time you meet someone who has ‘arts and crafts’ as an interest in their dating profile, but they actually meant arts and crafts, and not the Dark arts and witchcraft like you assumed.

Capricorn

Take a chance. Get that haircut. How much worse can it be?

Aquarius

The Saturn in your sign suggests that you’ll be laughing your way to the bank soon. Mostly because you’ll be broke. And that laughter is hysteria. Things don’t look good for you.

Pisces

The people who love you the most have the power to hurt you. You wouldn’t know because no-one loves you.