Leo

It’s not that he doesn’t love you. It’s just that Vicky Kaushal probably doesn’t even know you exist.

Virgo

A strong handshake and a firm eye contact will still not make your mother love you.

Libra

You will give birth to a healthy and adorable little baby girl this week. It would be cute, if only you weren’t a 25 year old man with no sexual history.

Scorpio

Stars have no time to waste on a little bi**h like you. You know what you did, so don’t act all clueless.

Sagittarius

Love knows no boundary or language, but your relationship with the microwave, you recently bought, is creepy.

Capricorn

No, the smell of 3-day-old corpse of your murder victim won’t go from your clothes without the help of an industrial strength detergent. Don’t Google this. The cops will find out.

Aquarius

Try wearing only bright colours this week. It won’t improve or worsen your week, it will just help people locate you easily, in case you get trapped under your desk again.

Pisces

Your prediction of this week will not come true until you prove that the prediction for you on 23rd July came true that week or not.

Aries

There is an audience for every piece of art. But good luck finding anyone who would appreciate a painting of that mole on your back done in Post Impressionist style

Taurus

Don’t be afraid to grab that opportunity you’ve been waiting for all this while. While you’re grabbing, it wouldn’t hurt to grab some diarrhoea meds, for your whole explosive diarrhoea situation.

Gemini

Listen to your heart. Follow what it says. Or you can just stop taking those shady pills that make you think that your organs are talking to you.

Cancer

Unexpected events of this week will help you realize why no one loves you. Spoiler: It’s because of your terrible personality.