Capricorn

The start of this year will be filled with joy and immense hope for the months to follow, but this will quickly change after an encounter involving a squirrel and some loose beads.

Aquarius

Stay away from children. They will try to eat you. On an unrelated note, you’re pregnant.

Pisces

No need to check this space again. You’re still the same little shit you were back in 2019.

Aries

You must restrain from giving people advice or suggestions. Unless you actually like being beaten by a show in front of a shocked audience. If so, then do go ahead.

Taurus

Two words: Explosive. Diarrhoea.

Gemini

So Saturn and Pluto are about to connect for the first time in over 500 years and It still won’t make a difference to your life. Mostly because of your shitty personality.

Cancer

This Friday you’ll see some major improvements in your physical health. In that, you won’t be gravely injured by a rogue chainsaw.

Leo

This is the time to finally take a leap and plan that vacation you’ve always wanted to go on. You’ll still be broke and unhappy when you return home, but at least you’ll have some basic bitch Instagram posts to fill your sad, empty life.

Virgo

Keep away from debates and arguments. Shut yourself in your room. Switch off your WiFi. Unplug yourself from the world. Become a raccoon.

Libra

The Moon is in Virgo tonight, but yesterday it was in Leo. And On Thursday it will be in Pisces. And other nonsensical things.

Scorpio

Avoid anything blue this week, especially clothes. It has nothing to do with your horoscope, you just look like a garbage can in blue.

Sagittarius

The stars had nothing in store for you this week. You’re not worthy.