Capricorn

Mars is in retrograde in your sign this week. This either means you’re going to get hit by a bus, or you’re going to meet someone new. Either way, Vicky Kaushal still won’t love you.

Aquarius

This Wednesday, you’ll face a tough choice that will have the power to undo everything you’ve done to make Uday Chopra relevant again.

Pisces

A deepening of intimacy is in order, Pisces. Are you ready to fully welcome our lord and saviour Lizard Monster into your body?

Aries

You’ll be able to see this horoscope only if you’re a) madly in love with your best friend, or b) Anupam Kher

Taurus

The presence of Venus in your sign suggests good fortune. But does it also mean freedom from constant diarrhoea? Guess you’ll never know.

Gemini

Brushing up on your knowledge about popular serial killer names will come in handy this week.

Cancer

No. All the good jokes about the infinite number of celebrity wedding receptions have been made. Just stop.

Leo

Don’t get disheartened if you’re not invited to any New Year’s parties this time. You already knew you have a terrible personality.

Virgo

You’re not important enough to warrant a whole horoscope post about yourself.

Libra

Your ability to think on your feet will make you a great asset to the ant people when they finally overthrow the government and take over.

Scorpio

You should introspect on what you actually want to do with your life because it can’t be what you’re currently doing with it.

Sagittarius

It’s very dangerous for you to go out on New Year’s Eve this year. It’s really not, but now you can use this horoscope to hide the fact that no one invited you anyway.