Scorpio

It’s very rare to be allergic to people. So it’s even more suspicious why your mom uses this as an excuse to not see you on your birthday…

Sagittarius

You’ll either get a big promotion at work, or a serial killer will make you his next target because you forgot to retweet that image of that sick baby.

Capricorn

What’s the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn’t breathe fire, and/or is a dragon?

Aquarius

An incident involving a cake, a water hose, and a switch blade will lead to unexpected revelations this week.

Pisces

You’ll realise this week that being a good human being is so much more than not laughing when people fall down while walking.

Aries

The rise of Jupiter in your sign promises new and exciting opportunities for you, but only if you’re into Auto erotic asphyxiation.

Taurus

The stars foresee new and exciting things for you this week. And also, explosive diarrhoea.

Gemini

Possibility of finding The One seems strong this week. If by The One, you mean the one genius comeback to an argument you had over 10 months ago.

Cancer

You’ll never understand the trends kids these days follow. Like, what’s even up with not physically stalking your crush and sending them love notes written in pigeon blood?

Leo

Avoid leaving your house on Wednesday and Saturday, if you don’t like being exorcised for looking like a demon.

Virgo

Interactions with people belonging to Aries and Libra signs will go as violently as you expected.

Libra

It’s high time that you admit you really didn’t understand the ending of Hum Saath Saath Hain.