Libra

All your insecurities about love will go away once you finally realise you’re never going to find it.

Scorpio

Your career as a professional Uday Chopra impersonator will meet an abrupt end after a fortunate accident.

Sagittarius

It might sound appealing, but being known as the guy who wears head-to-toe white and pretends he is one-half of director duo Abbas Mustan is not going to age well.

Capricorn

You don’t actually need to be a nap royalty to have a T-shirt that reads ‘Nap Queen’ with a crooked crown on it.

Aquarius

The stars don’t think you matter enough to warrant a full horoscope this week.

Pisces

Do NOT hug a Libra this week. Just don’t.

Aries

The love of your life is just waiting for you to get over your ongoing phase of whistling the ‘Dil To Pagal Hai’ tune every time you pee.

Taurus

You called it. Your explosive diarrhoea incident of the week will happen at a Starbucks near the place you work at.

Gemini

They laughed at you when you said eating mouse pads can prevent onset dementia, but they didn’t really deny it.

Cancer

When they said you’re like a cancer spreading within the organisation in your appraisal interview, they weren’t correctly guessing your zodiac sign.

Leo

When Shilpa Shetty asked people to ‘Shut up and Bounce’, she must have had a strict time limit in mind. You can stop bouncing now.

Virgo

It’s true that what goes around comes back around, but nothing bad is going to happen to Sonam Kapoor for not inviting you to her wedding.