Leo

Your life will gain new meaning again once you realize you don’t have to watch Pink to get angry at men.

Virgo

It’s not illegal to laugh at people who fall down hilariously, especially when they’re old. FYI.

Libra

Your new look will make heads turn like that girl’s from The Exorcist.

Scorpio

Your cats will finally make it big on the Internet. You’ll just wish it wasn’t for eating your face while you were asleep.

Sagittarius

The stars were too busy fawning over Priyanka Chopra’s roka ceremony to care about your horoscope this week.

Capricorn

Despite what your ‘science’ teacher taught you about stars, Ajay Devgn is NOT a distant ball of gaseous matter.

Aquarius

When they called you a ‘Little bi**h’ they didn’t mean you were physically little, they meant you’re petty AF.

Pisces

Will you finally meet the love of your life this week? Will you get the promotion you’ve wanted for so long? No.

Aries

Don’t worry about what people will think. Your relationship with your toaster is your own business.

Taurus

Life will give you lemons this week in form of explosive diarrhoea. Don’t even think of making lemonade with that.

Gemini

Organ harvesting is a shady but lucrative business. So you’re not a complete waste of space.

Cancer

Your mother’s refusal to acknowledge you as her child in public will start to feel personal this week.