Libra

You will find out who truly loves you and who wants to murder you in a hilarious incident involving a butter knife and an electric socket.

Scorpio

Maybe the stars would tell you what would happen in your life if you actually had one.

Sagittarius

You thought having a boyfriend would be fun but you will soon realize that you have to feed it four times a day, take it out for daily evening walks and brush its fur for it to glow.

Capricorn

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t achieve your dreams. Science has come too far for you to not be able to look like Anupam Kher like you’ve always wanted.

Aquarius

Yes, it’s perfectly alright to break up with someone who doesn’t believe in the same theory about Andhadhun’s end that you do.

Pisces

Rejoice now you have Deepika and Ranveer’s wedding to obsess over. This will be a good distraction from the meaningless black hole that is your life.

Aries

You love it when people say you have movie star looks. You just wish it wasn’t followed by a mean  ‘Not’.

Taurus

The stars think it would be healthier for everyone involved if you would just accept that you have perpetual explosive diarrhoea and move on.

Gemini

If your name doesn’t begin with the letters ‘Q’ or ‘Z’, then this horoscope is not for you. Leave immediately.

Cancer

Your commitment to eating healthy is admirable but your proclivity to tell people about it, every two seconds, will be the number one cause of your untimely murder.

Leo

People are starting to get suspicious about the relation between the dead pigeons that keep cropping up outside your house and your recently cleared skin.

Virgo

Everyone will remember you at your office, long after you’re gone. Mostly as the guy who nobody liked.