Virgo

It’s perfectly normal to feel down and out some days, especially considering how terribly average you are.

Libra

Your mother was wrong. You won’t die alone. You’ll have the company of the little girl ghost who lives above your closet.

Scorpio

This week will bring new and exciting opportunities for people who are not you.

Sagittarius

It’s written that you will, one day, be the best version of yourself, and achieve all that your heart desires. But then somebody also wrote Half Girlfriend, so should we really believe all that’s written?

Capricorn

Events of this week will change what you previously believed was appropriate behaviour at the dentist’s.

Aquarius

The answer to all questions embedded deep in your heart about your desires and love is ‘No’.

Pisces

This week, you’ll receive an adorable love letter. It would be extremely romantic, if only the sender hadn’t used pigeon blood to write it.

Aries

You will finally have time to hang out with your friends this week, if by ‘hang out’ you mean ‘sitting in the dark’, and by ‘your friends’ you mean the infomercial guy on the TV trying to sell you bedsheets.

Taurus

Your optimism in the face of debilitating diarrhoea is very inspiring.

Gemini

If you’re wondering why you’re still single, it’s probably because you still ask these questions instead of doing something about your semi-permanent face tattoo of Ali from Dhoom.

Cancer

It’s cute that you give life after death so much thought, considering the fact that you barely have a life before death.

Leo

Kidnapping Harman Baweja was the easy part. Getting people to care about it enough to pay you your hefty ransom is the part you’ll struggle with.