Virgo

You might think looking at the bigger picture will help. It won’t.

Libra

You will meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this week. No, wait. That’s the horoscope for Cancer. You’ll be all alone.

Scorpio

Beware. His favourite movie is Pyaar Ka Punchnama 2.

Sagittarius

Sometimes a little serial killing is the answer to your life problems.

Capricorn

There’s no good time to tell your partner your true belief about Abhishek Bachchan’s Drona.

Aquarius

Getting an expensive pet is not a solution to your empty and meaningless existence, but it is a solution to distracting people from your empty and meaningless existence.

Pisces

This week will put your theory of ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ to test but the results won’t necessarily be to your liking.

Aries

Your intense knowledge of Urmila Matondkar’s filmography will come unexpectably handy this week.

Taurus

Wow. How exhausting is it to live with perpetual diarrhoea of the explosive kind? Yes, it was a rhetorical question.

Gemini

Don’t wear purple this week. It has nothing to do with any celestial arrangement, purple makes you look like something an eggplant threw up.

Cancer

The stars passed on telling your horoscope this week.

Leo

So even Jackie Bhagnani is doing things. What’s your excuse?